The Reason I Don't Write Fables

For all of you who have ever asked "Mattie, why don't you write fables like Aseop?" This is why:

Peter's eyes glittered mischievously as he stared at the perfectly made pie sitting on his mother's window sill. Just then, Heidi Hillegrade began walking up the street. Peter just couldn't resist as he looked at the pie and then back at his grade school nemesis.

Peter pulled his sleeves down to cover his palms as he reached over to pick up the fresh pie. Then he ran towards the door.

"Heidi!" He called, as he closed in on the unsuspecting girl. Heidi turned just as Peter let the pie fly from his fingers. Time seemed to slow down as the apple pie flew towards Heidi. Her eyes widened and then BAM! the pie struck her face, knocking her to the ground.

As Heidi wiped the gooey crusts from her face, Peter broke into a laughing fit. Without saying a word, Heidi pushed herself up off the ground and walked past Peter's bent over form and back towards her house.

Just then, Heidi's father, pulled up in his blue and white cop car. Peter froze, mid laugh, as he watched Heidi's father walk up the sets and into his house. Peter's heart began pounding as he heard the sound of Heidi's father demanding to know what had happened to her. Without a second thought, Peter turned tail and raced away from the scene of the crime as fast as his young legs could carry him.

Heidi's father was right behind him.

Peter ran through town, and all the way up to the Canadian boarder before losing Heidi's father. Now he lives his life as a hermit in a rundown little tree-house in northern Canada.

The moral of the story is don't smash a pie in a girls face.

acci-DENTAL (4)

ONce upon a time there was a happy-go-lucky girl named Penelope. (Pronounced Penny-lope.)

Penelope was a by-the-book sort of girl who never did anything that could be considered "life altering" without first consulting her parents and/ or her instructors. Unfortunately, this meant that she never did anything "life changing" because someone always had something negative to say about it.

Eventually, however, a big decision came into her life. It was finally time for Penelope to graduate from high school, leaving behind her easy life and forcing her to make the dreaded "career choice".

She asked all her teachers, all her leaders and both her parents. No one had any advise to give her. Instead, she was forced to make the decision all by herself.

Penelope carefully regarded all her choices, taking into account her experience level, talents, and interests in each career path examined. Finally, she made her decision. Penelope decided to become a dental assistant. Aka, a dental hygienist.

In the weeks before the start of her new job, Penelope carefully picked out her bright happy scrubs, specifically picking out the ones that would make little kids calm and helpful. She even practiced her own smile in front of the mirror.

Then, it was her very first day. Penelope showed up bright and early to open the dentists office. She set to work organizing and prioritizing the dentists appointments for the day.

After that was done, Penelope went to work cleaning the waiting room. Two hours later, Dr Johnny T. Appleseed showed up and began accepting his patients.

Penelope's job was to prep the patients. She was to brush, floss, scrub and whiten everyones teeth before the dentist came in. However, her favorite job was using the X-ray machine. For some reason, she was drawn to the ray gun looking machine. Unfortunately, Wednesdays and Thursdays were slow days for Dr. Appleseed, and only 2 X-rays were needed both days.

Well, life continued onward for Penelope. Every day, she'd get to work at the exact same time, making sure that everything was nice and orderly for when the doctor finally showed up. And every evening, after the elusive doctor left, she cleaned everything up and locked the doors. Penelope liked this system.

That was, until one day, when she found out what the elusive Dr Johnny Appleseed was REALLY up to. Then, everything changed.

We'll, it's intermission folks. Please enjoy a trip to your nearest snack bar. This story will return as soon as you scroll down. :)

Well we're back. When we last left Penelope (still pronounced Penny-lope), she was just about to discover Dr. Johnny Appleseeds deepest darkest secret. Let's see what happens next shall we???

One day, Dr. Appleseed left the office early. Quickly telling Penelope to lock up early. He claimed that he was going to see his sick mother in the hospital. As he rushed out the double doors, Penelope called and rearranged several appointments that the good doctor had just cancelled and then went into the back rooms to clean up. As she was stashing some of the equipment back into the proper cupboards, she found a strange jar that she had never seen before. She opened the jar and was shocked to find a storage of teeth inside. She stared at the sparkling white mound of teeth and tried to make sense of it all. Why on earth was the doctor hoarding teeth?

Penelope pulled out her cell phone and dialed the doctor. He answered on the first ring.

"What is it Penelope? I'm kinda busy here."

"Well, Doctor, I don't mean to bother you, but I just discovered a jar of teeth here and . . . " But Penelope was cut off by the sound of someone slamming on their breaks on the other end.

"Don't do anything. I'll be right there." Yelled the doctor, hanging up.

Penelope stared at her phone, slowly making her way back to the front desk. Within a matter of minutes, she heard the doctor come screeching to a halt in front of the office. Then, he was standing over her with an unreadable look on his face.

"Where are they?" He demanded.

Penelope wordlessly handed him the jar. The doctor took it and cradled it to his chest. "I'm sorry." He said. "I should explain this to you."

Penelope just nodded.

"Well, it's like this. You see, my finance's business has been down lately. You see, people just don't want to believe in 'mythological' creatures like the tooth fairy anymore. But she's got to collect teeth. Her people use them. They need them like we need food. They use them for everything! When we got engaged, she asked that I help her collect some teeth for her. Because I'm a dentist, I of course agreed. If I tell people that they need a few teeth pulled, they usually believe me. But you can't tell anyone Penelope. Not a single soul. My girlfriend knows where you live Penelope. Don't forget that. Now, how about you go home and I'll lock up today." Said the doctor. Penelope nodded absently and dazedly made her way out to her car. She took the long way home and went to bed early.

The next morning when she woke up, she found this under her pillow:

Needless to say, she became quite paranoid after this. Penelope eventually became quite insane.

The Spring Breaker (3)

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful brunette girl that looked a lot like this:

She was a happy young lady who enjoyed life to it's fullest. Our story begins with her talking to a news reporter just outside of her suburban home.

Reporter: "So, it's spring break. Do you have anything to say to our viewers?"

Young Woman: "Yeah. It's spring break. Come back next week."

And that's all the reporter got before the girl slammed the door in his face.

THE END!

The moral of the story is, it's spring break. Go enjoy it for crying out loud!

Princess Hazel and the Tale of many words (2)

Well, it's that time of week again. The time when I conjure up a spectacular tale for you to enjoy. This weeks tale is set in the small town of Mansfield Pennsylvania. Our story begins with a beautiful princess locked away in the prop tower of the Mansfield Pennsylvania High School's drama department. Her name was Princess Hazel and it's with her that our story begins . . .

"Oh how I sit in this tower all day and waste away!" Princess Hazel cried with her hillbilly accent. "Is there no one to rescue such a beautiful damsel as I?" But no one really wanted to rescue her. Although she was the fabled "damsel in distress" she was also a bit of a redneck and wanted to settle down next door to her mother in one of the small trailer parks in the area. Needless to say, not many young men were that ambitious.

Well, as the years passed, Princess Hazel began to feel a sense of abandonment. Even her dear old mother left town. Perhaps it had something to do with the constant whining that came from the tower day in and day out. Or, perhaps it had something to do with the dilution the princess had that she could carry a tune. Whatever it was, Mansfield quickly became a desolate place.

And so, Princess Hazel remained locked in her tower. Waiting for a dashing young prince, (although as time went on, she realized she would settle for anyone good looking), until one day, 49 years after being locked up in the tower, she realized that if anyone was going to help her escape, it would have to be her. She picked up one of her high heels and hit the lock on the door until it finally broke.

She rushed down the 332 stairs and ran outside, just in time to see the sun set. She smiled blissfully at the beauty of it, and then grudgingly turned around and climbed back up the steps, knowing full well that she couldn't be outside at night.

The next morning, Princess Hazel walked down the stairs and left the small town of Mansfield Pennsylvania and hitchhiked all the way to San Francisco where she met a nice young man. They got married and had 2 beautiful children. And they lived happily ever after.

FIN

Halloween Falls (1)

Okay, this is the first random story in the series of random stories that I've announced I'm going to be putting on my blog (see entry below for details). These stories are strictly for entertainment purposes and in no way actually mean anything. Any names or plots that coincide with actual people or events is probably purely coincidental. Otherwise, I just really wanted to use them. :)

It was hard living in a town full of the undead. Especially when you were the only "living" soul around for miles. But that's how it was in the city of Halloween Falls. You see, long ago, Halloween Falls had held the number one largest nuclear reactor in all the world. Of course that was long ago. As technology increased, Halloween Falls' nuclear power plant went slowly down the line until if finally ended up as the smallest reactor.

This was during the time of World War II and everyone who could work on nuclear bombs was needed at the bigger, more advanced facilities. Because there was no one left to work in Halloween Falls' reactor, it slowly fell into a state of disrepair and neglect.

That's what eventually caused it. Something rusted over and broke causing a chain reaction that not only blew the facility sky high, but also killed anyone within a 10 mile radius. Unfortunately, the radiation from the plant was enough to alter everyone's DNA and they all woke up to find themselves with different abilities.

Most were zombies, but there were a few werewolves, vampires and trolls in the mix. There were even a handful of sorcerers, witches and warlocks. Because of this, Halloween city became a national must-see, especially on Halloween, although no one knew exactly what had happened until one day, a girl named Suzy Valkyre got accepted into Halloween Falls University. She packed her backs and left her sunny hometown of Salt Lake City Utah, and moved all the way out to Halloween Falls Nebraska.

She liked it in Halloween Falls. The people were all a bit "off" by her standards, but they were all very nice about it. Everyone seemed to adore this poor little girl from Utah, especially the Dracule family. They invited her over for dinner all the time and feed her like a queen while they only drank their cranberry juice, the whole time joking that they were "fating her up". But the Dracule's weren't the only family that seemed to be obsessed with this perky girl from Utah. The Wicked sisters also loved her. Suzy liked the Wicked sisters because they came up with the silliest nicknames for each other. The older one was called "The Wicked Witch of the West" and the younger one was called "The Wicked Witch of the East". They even nicknamed their cousin, Shannon, calling her "Glinda". And the poor girl from down the street they called "Dorthy".

Overall, Halloween Falls was a fascinating place to live. At least, it was fun until October rolled around, then everyone got . . . creepy. No one really had what could be called "personal bubbles" but around Halloween, any sense of a personal bubble disappeared. The Dracules especially got very touchy. They were always hovering just over her shoulder staring at her neck. Because of this, she developed Dysmorphophobia.

Then, one day, on the eve of Halloween, Suzy had been running late to get to her apartment. Her landlady had warned her to always be inside the padlocked house by the final stroke of midnight, but as Suzy had run down the billions of University steps, she had lost her shoe and had had to run back to get it. Because of this, she was two minutes late as she raced home. She was still three blocks away when she heard the clock start chiming.

She wasn't going to make it and she knew it. Unfortunately, she didn't know exactly why she needed to be in her locked house by 12. But the creatures knew. And Suzy had just made their evening menu.

The End